Why more kenyan women will stay single

Not long ago I commented on a picture of a Nigerian couple on facebook, it was Mercy Johnson and her husband, it was a couple many would admire and envy in equal measure and their love story was beautiful. The comment read “Most successful Kenyan women wouldn’t be married as she is……they raise their noses high at day and cry in their blankets at night so you should learn from her” auch! That was mean I should have said duvet right? Hehe who cares, it’s the truth. I got lots of pride from the Nigerians, overwhelming admiration from Kenyan men and humongous insults from Kenyan women who replied on my comment, it must have hit them pretty hard, considering how they are very skeptical about that subject.

If our fore folks would come back to life and see this fuss am sure they would beg to go back to their graves. Back then the love stories weren’t as sweet as the soap operas that deceive our young women today. My Grandma was ambushed on her way to the stream with strong able bodied emissaries sent by her secret admirer, carried like a sack of potatoes to her new home, so ignorant of the fact that the fat cows at their yard that morning was her dowry, and she was expected to be loyal and submissive to her husband, they respected the sanctity of marriage and it turned out just fine. If I would have lived then I would have probably asked Nyamumbo [my loving mother] to get me a maiden from Suba [the land of beauties] on one of her water travels to her distant relatives on those islands of Lake Victoria. I would make her my wife and she wouldn’t utter a word of resistance if I decided to get a second wife from Nyakach. For a modern lady these stories sound like some fictional Greek mythologies. She gets her heart broken twice or thrice then she builds a guard around her higher than the walls of Troy, and preaches to the world how men are dogs, go on sister preach! Yet it was her fault for dating a boy who still doesn’t know what they want, yes a boy, if a man in his late 20’s and still lacks focus he might as well be referred to as a boy. Before a man knows what a man wants he will destroy any woman that comes his way. So if you are up for fun press on but if you are in it for the long run then run sister run!

I have heard a lot of these stories by now, especially in my school, these female law students and yet to be attorneys, I think they are the most convinced that they don’t need no man in their life. That reminds me of my first property law class last semester when someone must have mistaken the Miss X for Mrs. X, and she immediately shot from the hip “ I am Miss X not Mrs. X, Mrs. X is my mother.” And this brilliant lecturer/lawyer had grey hair, well it didn’t come as much of a surprise as most of her ageing female colleagues are Misses if am allowed to say that, maybe because they miss a lot hehehe. I engage follow female students on such topics once in a while and they be like I’ll go to a sperm bank or get a toy boy to score in me and live with my baby happily ever after, that time I feel like putting my hands on her head and say a little prayer, all I see in her inner being is bitterness and regret but you should see how her face brighten up at that thought but I can swear her face was brighter the previous sem when she was all about her dreadlocked, studded, drifter and wannabe DJ boyfriend who turned out to have four girlfriends at each major town in the country. Now please bitch cut that crap, go cry in the toilet, shake off all the bitterness and hurt, wipe off the tears and wait for a real man to come along, and please stop listening to Carolyn Mutoko, I can’t deny I admire her success but her influence on our young women is something to loathe. Listen young ladies, all the spinsters out there it’s not like they love the way things turned out but it’s just quite absurd and unfortunate. So if one day you find yourself in that unfortunate situation in future you can emulate her strength and hard work but don’t be impulsive to want to be alone without a reason thinking that is the new cool.

I must confess I have proposed marriage to Sheila Mwanyigah a hundred times (in my dreams hehe) I think she is the best thing that has ever happened to television, I mean this babe can get it! Hey eligible bachelors out there don’t waste more time, I wish I were of that age, you would have been hearing wedding bells by now.

Enough of the hard talk now let me shine some green light. Compromise! Pretty ladies you have to compromise. I know every girl got their fantasies of knights in shining armor sweeping them off their feet, riding on a unicorn to the beautiful sunset in the horizon, but that prince charming could be the guy in faded jeans down the street. You can’t get 100% but try and settle for 75%. Men will always be reluctant because they have all the time, my 80 year old Granddad has a son in class 1 with his fifth wife whom he beats frequently after coming from his drinking spree, his first four wives couldn’t tolerate his beatings and so they fled, only the fifth is strong enough for the sake of keeping her marriage and understand the beatings are a sign of love (hehehe I also heard so, am not sure) I am not implying that you should endure unreasonable flogging, as a well bred first class gentleman ( hehe bursting my bubble) I can never lay a hand on a woman if not to cuddle, comfort her or make her feel safe (I got you moment) I am just trying to demonstrate what other women go through before you start complaining how your boyfriend is not cool because he can’t dance to the latest riddim hits.

As a typical African and a religious man I insist women should be submissive to their husband, that’s how God intends it, so if that is too a huge mountain for you, kiss my ass (ooh sorry that wasn’t so religious, forgive me God) so don’t deceive yourself you can be your own man, God saw it wise that it is not good for Adam to be alone, and I say it is even worse for Eve to be alone. I am not a chauvinist I am just a realist, and I repeat you cannot be strong enough to be your own man….khkhkhkh do you copy! Roger that. However sweet that thought may sound considering the conviction you say it with.

So before you end up being a 39 year old spinster scared to turn 40 and single start reading this again. Learn from the troubles of Mary Jane, delete single ladies series from your computer and get The Brigit Jones diary, at least it ended well for her, now to all the single working class ladies out there, go out and make money, rock that skirt suit and heels, and in the evening come back to your loving husband and lovely kids, and that’s how beautiful life can get.

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